24 Things I Don’t Tell You

This is a list of things I don’t tell most people:

  1. I don’t think I’m very special, but…
  2. I act like I am special to try to make myself believe it.
  3. I’m worried nothing I do will matter to anybody.
  4. I feel like a fraud (reasons follow)
    • I work as a teacher, but I don’t think I can teach well.
    • I want to be, and sometimes call myself a writer, but I doubt I write well.
    • I say I want to do things, but I don’t put in a great effort.
  5. I act like I’m well-read.
  6. I hate asking for help, mostly because I don’t want to feel in debt to anybody.
  7. I’m stupid with my money because I’m still trying to convince myself it’s not important.
  8. I’m regularly worried about money because I know it’s more important than I’d like to admit.
  9. When I’m with people, I’d rather be alone, and when I’m alone, I don’t know why I wanted it.
  10. I’m finding it harder to live in the moment, and that scares me.
  11. I hate talking about the ‘Glory Days’ of high school and college because that feels like I’m admitting there is nothing better ahead, and I’m worried that’s true.
  12. I have an unreasonable expectation that I’ll die young (before 50), and sometimes think I’d prefer it that way.
  13. The scariest part of death, to me, is that nobody wants to talk about it even though it’s the only fact we have and one of the only things we all share.
  14. I feel stuck between being a person who wants to help everybody else and a person who only wants to help himself. I don’t know which way to lean.
  15. I think everything is a scam.
  16. I want to live more free than anybody ever has and teach everybody else how to do it.
  17. I’m always planning ways to gain more freedom, but everything seems like a trap.
  18. I don’t really feel qualified enough for anything.
  19. I get upset when other people waste my time, but I consistently waste it myself.
  20. I push away people who are important in my life because I want to feel more independent.
  21. Sometimes, I’m so afraid to act I’ll put myself in desperate situations just so I’ll be forced to act.
  22. I’m always worried how people(mostly friends and family) will react to the things I write or say.
  23. There are more things I don’t tell you.
  24. I’m scared to publish this list.
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